Zombie Movie Review (13) of the Day: Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

Happy Halloween everybody. Please check out one of the new links on my main page called Creepy Puppet Project for some fun zombie action as well as some other types of fun.

Today I finish off reviewing the Return of the Living Dead series. I will also be editing some of my Romero reviews after watching them all in my Romero Zombie Movie Marathon yesterday and noticing a few things I missed and a few things I got wrong. That’s about a 10 hour marathon give or take.

Anyway, today I am doing Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave. In addition, yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. I am going to have so much fun doing this review. It might not be as objective as the rest and I might not get into the plot as much. I am also slightly uncomfortable right now as I am dress up for Halloween as, yep, you guessed it: a zombie (I will try to take some pictures and post them before I wash it all away).

Let’s get this review started. Like with Return 4, this movie was a straight to DVD/Sci-Fi channel Saturday Night suck fest movie. This movie is probably the worst empirically in the series. However, it sucks so bad that it is actually really enjoyable.

The returning characters are Julian, Cody, and Julian’s evil uncle. Julian seems to be doing fine despite the fact his parents, little brother, the girl he had a crush on, his good friend, and several other friends are dead, on top of the fact his uncle is responsible for all of it. He has a new girlfriend and so does Cody. The movie starts with a rave and a drug dealer. We get the impression Julian and his girlfriend are not into drugs at all so it doesn’t make much sense for them to be at this party. Well, the girlfriend’s brother is the DJ but other than that, really they should be out bowling or something.

The comic relief (in a movie that is full of comedy so it doesn’t need comic relief….which makes me think that the writers actually thought this movie was scary and meant to be taken seriously) are two bumbling but bad-ass Interpol agents from Russia. Their mission is to round up the remaining containers of Trioxin to destroy them. They plan to purchase them from the crazy uncle but he only brings one hoping to get more for it by telling them it is the last in existence. However, since they want every last one, this plan sucks. The uncle is killed (finally) and this seems to sadden Julian a bit. ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS GUY. YOU HAVE WORSE SHIT IN YOUR LIFE TO CRY ABOUT. HE DOES NOT DESRVE TO BE MOURNED!

Ok. So the plot is that Julian finds the reaming two drums of Trioxin in a secret room in the attic. You have lived in this house your whole life and never noticed this? Also, even though the number is scratched off, they still save “in case of emergency” and “property of the army” on them. Could it be this stuff is dangerous? You are uncle was involved in some chemical process bringing the dead back to life. Isn’t it possible this stuff is the cause of that? Will you stop to ask these questions? Nope. They think it could be anything but zombie juice.

They take the barrel to the campus chemistry and later the genetics lab (boy, this campus must have great endowments and benefactor). When they first examine it, they discover it is similar in composition to the drug Ecstasy. REALLY!? Really movie? I know your series has made some leaps in logic before but this? Come on! Do I really need to say it? Really? Fine…PLOT DEVICE!!!

Guess what they do? Yep…exactly what you they will: make drugs. Julian wants them not to and to call the police but Cody wants some money. Behind Julian’s back, they make pills of Trioxin and distribute them all over campus. Most people save them to use during the Halloween Rave. Yep. Like Day of the Dead, this movie has an added Halloween theme.

The comic relief is still being badass and following Julian around when a few people start to become zombies. This time, since the Trioxin is weaker and only being taken in small doses, it kills people slower. The more you take, the quicker you die.

Again, this is a world in which at least five known zombie outbreaks have occurred, and at least three of them went public for sure! Why is no one making the fucking connection? Esp. Julian and Cody who actually were intimately involved with the last outbreak!

When the zombies first start maurading around campus still no one thinks they are zombies. One is killed and the police as well and comic relief 1 and 2 know it was a zombie. However the rest of the fucking world is still tripping on their 80’s drugs. I am not kidding. Seriously look at this world in this movie: it is still very 80’s and it is 2000-fucking-4. Almost no one on this college campus seems to have a laptop or a cell phone. Really? In 2004? I know the movie was made in 2006 but it takes place in 2004.

This is my favorite part. A few zombies began to chase (and no, not like Dawn of the Dead 2004 chase, more like a slow jog) a professor. He yells for help to a car of students driving by who think it is a hoax and laugh at the zombies. AGAIN: THIS IS A WORLD WHERE IT IS ESTABLISHED FACT THAT ZOMBIES EXIST AND THE PUBLIC KNOW ABOU IT. Oh, ok, I get it—it is Halloween, they think they are just dressed up for Halloween, ok. THAT IS LIKE IF I DRESSED UP LIKE FUCKING HITLER! Zombies have killed thousands of people in the last 20 years! You do not dress up like a zombie when there are actual zombies going around killing people!

The movie ends with a rave full of zombies, some main characters die, and the comic relief live of course, and it has a predictable end similar to the one in the first film. The end. That’s it.

So how many stars should I give this? Well as far as a film goes, 0 out of 5, as far as a zombie movie goes, 1.5, but as a fun camp B-movie that you can make fun of and enjoy? 4 out of 5 stars.

Zombie Movie Review (12) of the Day: Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis

“Send more security guards…”

Once again, I am doing two movie reviews today. Originally, I planned to do one of Return up to Halloween and do some Halloween special reviews, but I am not doing a review tomorrow as me and my friends are having an all day Romero marathon in preparation for Halloween. Do not worry; I will be reviewing Return 5 on Halloween as well as at least one other film.

Necropolis leaves the feel of the third film and brings us back to camp….really…bad…camp. The acting is better than in other movies, I have seen but it still sucks. Both Necropolis and Rave to the Grave were straight to DVD films not released in theaters. However, before they were released on DVD, they were on the Sci-Fi channel (back when it was Sci-Fi instead of trying to be all clever calling itself Syfy). And by one Sci-Fi I do mean what you think I mean: Sci-Fi channel original movie Saturday Nights at 9pm. Yep. You know what that means…it means suck!

In truth, 4 and 5 are not that bad. They are fun, entertaining, and they look good seeing how they finally have a budget. Lionsgate ending up buying the rights to the Return series except for 1 and 2. Even though 3 was originally released by a different company. I know this because the trailer and my DVD contradict each other. We all know that Lionsgate is either responsible for really gory films, really bad films, really gory and really bad films, or fairly decent and even sometimes pretty good films. Point is most times Lionsgate films suck. If you want further proof, they also acquired several older companies that only produced suck. For a summed up history and some fun visit http://thecinemasnob.com/2009/10/01/the-big-box-jigsaw.aspx.

It has a made for TV feel regardless of being produced by a big company. It even stars Peter Coyote who is mostly known for TV movies and narrations. However, he was in E.T and an episode of the 80’s reboot of the Twilight Zone. He plays the evil scientist in this one.

Now I only recently purchased 4 and 5 not because they are good but because I owned 1, 2, and of course 3 and my OCD tendencies won’t allow me to not buy 4, and 5 also. Why is this important? Well, I get most of my knowledge from obsessive re-watching of movies, DVD special features, and sometimes imdb and Wikipedia. Necropolis and Rave to the Grave have no special features on them and I have only seen each movie twice. Of course, there are many zombie movies I do not own and have only seen once but if I do not own it, it is because no matter how entertaining it is, it is not worth wasting money on. However, I can still give you a fun review as always.

The movie follows a group of teens in high school just like in Return 1. These kids are not as 80’s as the movie was made in 2005 and takes place in 2003 (10 years after Return of the Living Dead 3) but you get the feeling that the beast known only as the 80’s is slowly devouring their souls. The main member of the group is Julian, who is the nephew of the evil scientist I mentioned. Julian’s little brother is a pyro which is actually relevant to the plot of the film. Julian’s best friend is a hacker named Cody and for all of you out there, let this be a reminder to you that it is always a good idea to have a hacker in your group of friends, you never know when it might come in handy. What I am basically saying is: Plot Device. Oh and by the way, this is a movie I have no problem spoiling; the other characters really do not matter because only Julian any Cody survives for the sequel. Yep. Even the little kid dies. Now, do not get me wrong, that’s messed up, but it does redeem the movie a bit because any time a horror (or trying to be horror) has the balls to kill a child deserves at least a modicum of respect.

This is a universe that now accepts zombies as existing, as can be clearly seen by the evil corporation Hybra Tech’s commercial explaining how thanks to Hybra Tech, there hasn’t been a zombie outbreak in 10 years. Keep that in mind. This is a universe that has had at least four zombie outbreaks in the last half century, one that was pretty much covered up but a movie was based on it, one that may have been covered up and two that definitely got the public’s attention.

Also, Chernobyl is somehow related to zombies. There, we find the last three barrels of 245 Trioxin. Oops, actually it is now called Trioxin 5. Continuity? Let me help you. The writers I guess decided that nigh omnipotent zombies are a bad plot point so they retcond that and brought back the Romero zombies. Oh, they still want brains and can sort of talk and the recently dead are basically evil versions of their living selves, but they can be killed with a bullet to the brain now. On their own, each of these two instances of continuity holes makes no sense but if you combined them, you can rationalize it. The government made a weaker version of Trioxin in a further attempt to make super soldiers that could still be controlled to a degree despite their history of failure. So, Trioxin 5 zombies are different from 245 Trioxin zombies.

I mentioned an evil Corporation, did I not? Hybra-Tech. Now this movie came out after both Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Hybra Tech is a blatant rip-off of the Umbrella Corporation. The commercial states that Hybra-Tech makes everything from bread to Napalm, which is pretty much, what Umbrella is. Take Wal-Mart, Disney, Coca-Cola, Neutrogena, Maybelline, Halliburton, and Pfizer Inc, put them together and you get the Umbrella Corporation and Hybra-Tech.

Julian’s parents died in an accident a year ago on a volunteer mission to Chernobyl helping with the radiation (his parents were doctors for Hybra-Tech). His uncle gets the last barrels and starts experimenting. Some of the gas leaks out and infects a couple of homeless people but the teens don’t get interested until one of the friends, after having a motorbike accident, it taken to the local hospital. When Julian arrives, he is told his friend Zeke, died after having a reaction to the painkillers. However, another of their group works for security at Hybra-Tech and saw on the camera that he was taken into the facility there. His uncle is an idiot. One o the people you kidnap for experiments is not only a friend of your nephews but another of their friends works for the company in security? Are you that stupid or just pompous?

The teens have a battle preparing montage (because they cannot escape the 80’s), and storm the facility. They find the homeless zombies and, even though this is a world that knows about zombies, they do not get it for a while. They rescue their friend who is later killed, and Julian finds out that his uncle has the bodies brought back there and were put into the bio-weapons project (again, stolen from Resident Evil). This guy really is evil. One of the parents is logically his brother or sister and he is experimenting on their corpse as well as their spouses and he has no problem putting his two nephews who are like 18 and 13 in dangerous situations that he could care less if they survive or not.

This movie actually has a redeeming theme: anti-corporations and anti-capitalism. However, this movie stole that theme from the Resident Evil movies. The movie is fun, but not as fun as the last one in the series (oh I am going to enjoy reviewing that one greatly). Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis is no worse than Return of the Living Dead Part II. Therefore, I give Necropolis 2 out of 5 stars.

Fun fact, one of the teen’s last names is Romero. This is a world in which George Romero exists (he just never wrote Dawn of the Dead or Day of the Dead) and therefore it is possible she is related to him in the context of the series.

Zombie Movie Review (11) of the Day: Return of the Living Dead III

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Zombie Movie Reivew (10) of the Day: Return of the Living Dead Part II

“Your brains smell so good…so rich—and spicy”

Well we are still literally in the 80’s now, with the sequel taking place in 1988. The characters don’t dress like they ran thru a clothing department and their names are normal names unlike what we saw in Return 1 (Scuz, Spider, Trash, and Suicide) but it still has that 80’s feel to it.

Russo had nothing to do with this, or any of the other sequels. It also has nothing to do with Dan O’Bannon who had a major role in the production of the first.

So, here we are three years since the first catastrophe that never made it to Romero levels thanks to a precision tactical nuclear missile taking out the whole town and killing everyone still lucky enough to be alive and obliterate everything already dead, despite the “or is it?” ending we are given.

The movie starts out with a very stoned soldier (because everyone was stoned in the 80’s including soldiers with very important duties) driving a truck part of a military convoy transporting the last remaining 245 Trioxin barrels to safety. Apparently, the military are not in the habit of double checking safety precautions as the strap holding the barrels in the truck is a bit lose. The truck goes over a bump on a bridge and of course a barrel—just one barrel falls out of the truck, rolls down a hill, lands in the river, and floats downstream into a storm drain pipe that, wouldn’t you know it, is conveniently right next to another cemetery. Although this cemetery is not as ridiculously never ending as the last one was. I know you are probably thinking “if the strap was that loose, wouldn’t more than one barrel fall out?” Well fear not, this move makes as much logical sense as the last one did in its effort to follow the governing laws of physics. Oh yeah, I forget: the cemetery right next to where the barrel lands: PLOT FUCKING DEVICE!

This movie has an R rating like the first one and like the following three sequels. However, this movie is so camp and so lacking in realistic effects and continuous gore that it only deserves a PG-13. Even the trailer is confused: go ahead, watch it, at one point I think it refers to the movie as total terror and horrifying. It really isn’t. In fact, it is more camp than the last one. I guess they (and by “they” I mean the totally different production company that did this one but not first one, third one, or the 4^th and 5^th ones) was going for a younger audience. I do not know how younger an audience you would want since the first, despite being R, is clearly intended for 80’s teens and the parents that love Romero. This movie is more fun, more action and less “Aahhh!”

After the truck, we cut to Jesse, a nice kid in a neighborhood currently still under construction. Two bullies want him to join their club. Admission is a comic. Jesse, it turns out is the voice of reason and protagonist of the film even though he cannot be older than 11. /The bullies’ take him to their clubhouse, which turns out, is a crypt in the graveyard….go figure. Jesse runs away and hides in the sewer pipe where the barrel is. The bullies discover it and rather than calling the military (by the way, different number on the barrel. It is not a 555 number and no longer a real number. Continuity? What is that?), the bullies try to open it thinking there could be ammo or supplies in it. Yes…because ammo is stored in metal drums…..these kids are idiots, even for kids….even for kids who are bullies they are fucking stupid! Next, we meet two characters who turn out to be—grave robbers. Why not? But wait…um…these guys are….from the last movie and….are dead. Yep, it’s the guys who played Frank and Freddy (James Karen and Thom Matthews) except now, they are called Ed and Joey. Where the fuck is all the continuity!? Well, actually, they explain this. Later Joey asks Ed if this all feels like déjà vu, that they have been in the same situation with each other before and there were zombies. Hmm…well….given it is only three years later and although their personalities and relationship is the same as last time…..it cannot be reincarnation. So…..alternate universe? Nope. It’s the same one. I guess it is the movies attempt at humor. Movie: You failed. Your comic relief was enough humor (the drunken doctor). Esp. since this is not a fucking horror movie. Shaun of the Dead is scarier!

In the end they lure all the zombies to the power plant to electrocute them all to death with brains from the meat packing plant….Your small town has its own power plant and meat packing plant? Wow, you know...that is really fucking convenient. Not only is this another great example of blatant plot device, but also an example of the writer’s and the director’s (same person) lack of concept of continuity: in the first movie, we were told only the brains of living will help combat the pain of death and now they are eating the dead brains of animals……oo….kay……

In truth, there are several continuity boosts. One of which is that Jesse and his sister’s last name is Wilson which is Burt’s last name (the owner of the medical supply warehouse in Return 1), suggesting they are related to Burt in some way. I do not think he was their father, but he very well could be. We never see their parents…which is odd…but we do end up going to their grandparents house because their grandfather has guns. However, they are also gone. Therefore, either Burt is their dad or died in the first movie, the parents are out of town, the parents are killed by zombies, or some other explanation. Also, I wouldn’t put it past this series for the fact their name is Wilson to be completely irrelevant to anything. Furthermore, I would not be surprised if the writer of Part II did not even know Burt’s last name was Wilson.

So is this a good movie? Well it is certainly, fun, goofy, and entertaining. Is it better than the first one? Eh…that is really hard to say. Um….the first one is better because it started something new and it was so ridiculous you didn’t care and had fun watching it. Return of the Living Dead, gets, as with all the Return films a generous rating: 2.25 out of 5 stars.

Be sure to check back tomorrow for my review of the best out of the series: Return of the Living Dead III.

Zombie Movie Review (9) of the Day: Return of the Living Dead

“Send more paramedics…”

Well, I have reviewed all of George Romero’s zombie movies. But that does not mean I’m done with George Romeo and zombies. His series sparked tangents, parallel universe, alternate possibilities galore. The first tangent series I will review is John Russo’s Return series.

John Russo with George Romero came up with the original story for Night of the Living Dead together and Russo had a novelization of the movie published. After Night, they went their separate ways. Russo envisioned the series differently than Romero and in 1985, the same year Day of the Dead came out, Russo released his version of what happened, called Return of the Living Dead. The reason it is called Return is that it goes back to the origins of Night of the Living Dead. As you will have probably noticed, after Night, all of Romero’s movies dropped the Living from the title and went to “of the dead” rather than “of the living dead”. Reasoning? In my opinion, it has something to do with Russo publishing his book with the Living Dead in the title and since Romero and Russo were friends in the business, Romero did not want to step on Russo’s toes.

Return of the Living Dead ss in fact a sequel to the 1968 version of Night of the Living Dead. However, in Return, it happened in ’69. In Return, the movie Night of the Living Dead exists but it was based of true events caused by the chemical 245 Trioxin bringing bodies back to life when it leaked into a morgue.

The whole series is very, very 80s. You thought the 80s were 80s? You thought the 80s were bad. The Return series is like 80s crack, LSD, and pot all at once. I’m serious. Even the sequels that take place and were written twenty years later are still 80s. Return takes place in a universe where the 80s is an unstoppable beast that cannot die and eats the other decades following it. In the later films, you will think the 80s went into a coma but it just took on characteristics of the 90s as well—the bad characterizes—the ones similar to the 80’s.

As a side note, speaking of the 80s…listen to the Return of the Living Dead theme song: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8Q0cVQBlA4) and then listen to the original version of a very world famous song that was also very 80’s Tears for Fears: Mad World: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gFl2OXySs8). Compare the horns in the background of each…notice any similarity? Mad World predates Return by about three years. It would be an appropriate song for a zombie apocalypse movie. For those of you who like chaos theory and the butterfly effect you probably love little tidbits like this: In a trailer for the remake of The Crazies, a more common version of Mad World (Gary Jules) is played (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mepo50RuhdM). The significance? Well, the original The Crazies is a George Romero movie (he only produced the remake. See? Everything relates back to good old George!

But, what about the movie itself? I have not gotten into that yet. Well the movie follows a group of super 80s teens whose friend just got a job in a medical supplies warehouse. It would seem that the writers knew nothing about the 80’s, went to a high school, looked at all the kids hanging around outside before school started and said “I want our characters to look like this one, that one, that one, this one” because it doesn’t make sense why these kids are friends with each other. They are all from different clicks. Now I am not an advocate of clicks but the 80’s certainly were. Just look at the Breakfast Club! Anyway, these kids want to meet up with their friend after he gets out of work. The problem is he is running late. Reason? Well it turns up a “typical military fuck-up” occurred years ago in which barrels of Trioxin rich bodies were accidentally shipped to the warehouse. The manager and the kid get a face full of gas after looking at the canister and it gets into the vents bringing to life the cadaver in storage as well as anything else in there that was once alive.

The teens do not have to be worry about being bored because conveniently enough there is a cemetery right by the warehouse, which is also right by a funeral home/morgue. (Can you say plot devices?) I really do not want to give this away but since this series was never meant to be taken seriously (expect for R.o.t.L.D 3 arguably the best out of the five) it is okay to have spoilers. Apparently, Night of the Living Dead lied about how to dispose of zombies: destroying the brain, decapitation, etc. will not stop these zombies. Regardless of the fact that in our own universe physics is having a fit about this movie being inaccurate, there are ways you can explain this: So if you chop up these zombies, the individual parts still move, are alive, and seem to have independent thought from the rest of the body. One could argue that 245 Trioxin not only reanimates dead cells similar to what the T-Virus does, but that it also gives sentience to each and every cell, meaning in order to kill these things you can either: A) burn every last part, B) electrocute until crispy, C) blow up, or D) freeze them to put them in a paralytic state.

Guess what these guys do to the corpse? Burn it across the street at the crematorium (again…plot device). When they do this, the chemical, seemingly indestructible, turns back into a gas and escapes as part of the smoke from the body. Now this causes atmospheric disturbance, which causes rain. The rain now containing 245 Trioxin, rains down on our 80’s clichés and the graveyard (COULD YOUR PLOT DEVICES BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS!?). The rain then drips down into the graves and somehow reanimates every corpse regardless of the amount of brain rot and also gives these atrophies fellows the ability to dig thru 6 feet of dirt. Don’t ask…even I can’t figure out this one. Our friends are split up and most end up in the Funeral Home and the rest in the med supply warehouse. Oh, and I forgot to mention, once again regardless of how much rot, decay or damage to the brain, all these zombies can talk, reason, and plan. Yep. Does this make sense to anyone out there? If so, please explain it to me. All I can come up with is my theory of sentient cells. Maybe it causes brains to regenerate? I don’t know.

The Return of the Living Dead series is famous for something however. You probably didn’t even know this but this is where the stereotype of zombies wanting brains comes from, and is the only real time in cinema history that zombies do this rather than having no preference over type of flesh consumed. Yep. These are the zombies that moan for brains. Want to know the reason? SPOILER ALERT!  This I can actually half accept (the first half): If ones nervous system was still functional along with one’s brain after one had died, it would be extremely painful, organs shutting down, rigor mortis setting in, blood pooling and coagulating, etc. In order to stave off the pain there is only one painkiller in the world strong enough…no, not morphine: Brains! Yep. Brains alleviate the pain of death. So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

I just want to note, in the same way the 80’s took too many drugs, got hungry, mutated, and ate everything else (as the 80’s are depicted in this series), The cemetery is the same way. It has no recognizable order and appears to be alive meaning it can grow and has a mind of its own. This cemetery—never—ends!

Also, just so you know, the number to contact on the barrel? It’s a real number—no 555 here, And if you are a film buff, cinema snob, or flick freak, you know the unwritten rule that if a real phone number appears in a movie, you have to call it! I’ll do the work for you. Here is the number: 1-800-454-8000. An internet search consensus reports it is a sex hotline and was once a factory’s number. Well it’s an 800 and as far as I know, one typically has to pay for sex hotlines and so I had my people call the number and here is what it is. The phone number is for those that don’t want to to go out and meet people so you call this number it gives you another and says how you can meet single people and stuff. So it’s a singles hotline, not a sex hotline and it isn’t even the actual number…it redirects you to another number!

Speaking of talking zombies, the one that they catch and explains this all to the living people, is so rotted, she has no lips. However, she talks perfectly fine as if she did have lips.

Ok, so what do I think of this movie? Well it is certainly not the worst in the series. In fact, they are not really bad films at all. Again, as I said in my Land of the Dead review, I have seen and know of plenty of truly terrible zombie movies. I could use a different scale to rate the Return movies, meaning a 3 out of 5 for a Return is less that a 3 out of 5 for a Romero. These movies were clearly never meant to be taken seriously and in all honesty are not that bad. The only things wrong with Return of the Living Dead are, the effects are somewhat silly, the acting is sometimes bad, and the plot barely makes any sense. However, the Return movies are not going for serious, disturbing, scary or politically significant; they are going for fun, camp, and gore. My point is you cannot really compare a Romero to a Return. (However, I judge all zombie movies based on Romero movies). Therefore, in the end, I give Return of the Living Dead a fun, entertaining, silly way to kill an hour and ½,   3 out of 5 stars.