Today I start the reviews of the remakes of the original Romero zombie trilogy. This includes Dawn of the Dead 2004, Night of the Living Dead: 3D 2006, and Day of the Dead 2008. These films are not a reboot of the series, as they are not even related to one another as sequels or even happening in the same universe. However, I am still going to do them in the order of the original trilogy rather than chronologically. So today’s review it on Night of the Living Dead 3D.
Night of the Living Dead 3D is called 3D for two reasons, one, it was originally shot in 3D, and two, as a pun for being the third Night of the Living Dead film. There is a lot I do not like about this film I do not like. I think it is meant to be a parody so it is trying to be a B-movie on purpose, which usually causes a movie to fail as a cult classic. Either it will go mainstream like Grindhouse: Planet Terror/Death Proof or it is forgotten. I am almost certain that this movie is not meant to be taken seriously but I am not going to go easy on it nonetheless. What does this mean? Well you all finally get to see my Cinema Snob impression. That’s right. I’m going to rip this movie apart. However, like Brad Jones (aka Cinema Snob) I do not necessarily hate the movie as much as I seem to in the review. This movie, is watchable—trust me, there are zombie movies out there that are not watchable at all that get 0 out of 5 star ratings. For the most part though, I really do not like this movie.
The movie starts out similarly enough; actually…it starts out so much like the original that the opening credits sequence is the exact same one from the 1968 version! Wait, the camera zooms out…ok, so a guy in the movie is watching the original. Well that breaks the rule that you never reference a better movie than your own in your movie. I am also thinking two things about what I just saw: this movie either loves the original so wants us to know that this movie is very different and that all the characters are different, or, this movie is making a bad fucking joke. I would assume that since this movie’s universe knows about zombies, and Romero and that the characters in this movie will be different right? No such luck, they all have the same names. There are a few characters that were not in the other films but everyone else has the same names and even the same relationships to each other. That is not funny, movie!
But seriously, the movie from there runs like the other Night of the Living Dead films. Johnny and Barb (not Barbra, but Barb) are on their way to the cemetery. Right here is where the movie splits off continuity, and at first I feel like it is being creative, changing the plot slightly, going for a different feel. It certainly feels different. They are not visiting a grave but attending a funeral and it is not their father or their mother who as died this time, but their aunt. No one is around and Johnny jokes with Barb, the zombie’s attack Johnny drives off (asshole) and Barb runs away.
She does not find the farmhouse that was relatively close by in the other films but finds the funeral home/morgue where off course there are more zombies. I will say one good thing about the movie: the zombies are fast, and the makeup is decent and by that, I mean it does not look like I did as a zombie for Halloween. So I give points to the movie for having realistic zombies (as realistic as it could get anyway). The fact that they are slow zombies means that the creators have some decency and attraction to Romero and right now, all the points for this movie are riding on the zombies.
She meets the cemetery caretaker/funeral home director played by Sid Haig (remember that name it will come up again in another review). He tells her to run and she does. At first, I thought this would be Ben because he seems to be a little badass and he saves Barb. But it isn’t Ben. She runs and walks down a road, as it gets darker out. She texts Johnny to inform him he is a terrible brother and to come back for her. Eventually she gets a text saying, “I’m coming for you Barb”, a reference to the quote “They’re coming to get you Barbara, they’re coming for you”. I am also okay with this reference and it gives the movie a few points.
While reading the text zombies come out of nowhere and attack her and her phone. A guy on a motorcycle shows up and thanks to bad editing, punches a zombie out of the way. Guess who this is. Go on guess. Guess who this thin young white guy on a motorcycle is. Nope, it is not Tom, try again. IT’S BEN. THEY MADE BEN FUCKING WHITE! Well, I guess they had to so that no one will confuse this movie for having symbolism. In fact, there is not one black person in the whole movie. I don’t think there is even a black zombie. I may be mistaken about this, so correct me if I am wrong.
White Ben turns out to be friends with a family, the Coopers, who own a farmhouse down the road. Well now, it makes sense that he is not black: there is now way the white hick would be friends with him if he were not white! This movie is racist! Also, Ben and Harry are friend!? Furthermore, they own the farmhouse. In the 68 version, we find the house with the owner dead so we never know who she is, in the 90 version it is the house of Tom’s uncle. Now it is the Cooper family’s house. I am ok with this a bit, because the movie is being creative with the original idea. I think it is stupid but I respect it. Actually, I do not think that is stupid, what I really think is stupid is that technically Tom still does in away own the house. Tom is the Coopers fucking son. This just seems lazy and here is why; the movie made everyone related and friends so that no real character explanations have to go on. There is a reason why the movie has no time for character development because we need to watch Tom fuck Judy in the barn!
There are several continuity errors involving Barb and her footwear. In the original she lost her shoes, in this one she cannot make up her mind if she lost them, changed them, took them off, also this movie suffers from a severe case of “off-screen disease”, not only because of the shoes thing but also because of Harry’s bandage appears out of nowhere.
The affects are lacking as well. Judy is naked but her downstairs is clearly a prosthetic so she does not have to show us her real vagina. You are already naked and we see everything else! I don’t see why you care if people see the rest, they are going to think you are fully naked and exposed anyway…or they would if the prosthetic wasn’t so obvious.
The Cooper’s are also potheads and pot growers, which is why they never call the police, and Karen is watching, yep, the original Night of the Living Dead in the living room. Um…Karen, are you that oblivious? You really don’t notice any similarities to the movie and your OWN FUCKING LIFE!? It is okay; Karen always dies and ends up biting her dad. This part they did keep the same. However, there is a high as a kite character in the house that apparently a hired hand for the farm. He is bit and we watch what happens. Want to know what happens? This movie turns into Return of the Living Dead all of a sudden. Let me explain...well first let me tell you what happens after he is bit because the movie tells us why there are zombies. Haig comes in to explain what is going on. Apparently, his dad ran the business better and he never wanted to do this job. He made money by taking stuff from people to burn in the crematorium, like illegal stuff: bio-hazardous medical waste, military chemical weapon stuff, and radioactive stuff. Nevertheless, he never burned any of it. He also never burnt any of the bodies that were meant to be cremated because he has a fear of fire. All that shit leaked out and onto the bodies and they became zombies. He then tells us that anyone bite will die and become one but the ones that are bit do not become zombies right away, they act as if they are still alive. Sound familiar?
Everyone dies except Barb, Tovar (Haig), and Ben. Turns out, Tovar is crazy and this phenomenon has driven him mad with divine power over life and death, he wants to kill everyone so they can come back as zombies and live forever. I am not sure he understands what it means to be a zombie, especially in this universe. Tovar has kept his dad alive and feeds him his blood. He does this by cutting himself and letting his dad suck it out of the wound. THIS SHOULD CAUSE HIM TO BECOME INFECTED AND TURN INTO A ZOMBIE! Also these zombies are somewhat sentient as Johnny and Barb’s mom turn up as zombies walking together.
The movie ends with that whole “or-is-it” feel and Barb lives just like in the 90 remake.
So what is the rating? I can see how the movie could be viewed as fun and entertaining and it is certainly watchable. However, if it is on purpose, was everything on purpose? The acting was not that great. It was not as bad as Flesh Eater, but it was still bad. The affects were ok but at times, they were just dumb the movie is a cop-out to Romero and though it is parody, it also feels like one of those cheap rip-offs. As a remake of a Romero I would give this movie a 1 out of 5 stars, but since I am reviewing it as a zombie movie in general, I give it 1 ½ out of 5 stars.
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