Today I finish off reviewing the Return of the Living Dead series. I will also be editing some of my Romero reviews after watching them all in my Romero Zombie Movie Marathon yesterday and noticing a few things I missed and a few things I got wrong. That’s about a 10 hour marathon give or take.
Anyway, today I am doing Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave. In addition, yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. I am going to have so much fun doing this review. It might not be as objective as the rest and I might not get into the plot as much. I am also slightly uncomfortable right now as I am dress up for Halloween as, yep, you guessed it: a zombie (I will try to take some pictures and post them before I wash it all away).
Let’s get this review started. Like with Return 4, this movie was a straight to DVD/Sci-Fi channel Saturday Night suck fest movie. This movie is probably the worst empirically in the series. However, it sucks so bad that it is actually really enjoyable.
The returning characters are Julian, Cody, and Julian’s evil uncle. Julian seems to be doing fine despite the fact his parents, little brother, the girl he had a crush on, his good friend, and several other friends are dead, on top of the fact his uncle is responsible for all of it. He has a new girlfriend and so does Cody. The movie starts with a rave and a drug dealer. We get the impression Julian and his girlfriend are not into drugs at all so it doesn’t make much sense for them to be at this party. Well, the girlfriend’s brother is the DJ but other than that, really they should be out bowling or something.
The comic relief (in a movie that is full of comedy so it doesn’t need comic relief….which makes me think that the writers actually thought this movie was scary and meant to be taken seriously) are two bumbling but bad-ass Interpol agents from Russia. Their mission is to round up the remaining containers of Trioxin to destroy them. They plan to purchase them from the crazy uncle but he only brings one hoping to get more for it by telling them it is the last in existence. However, since they want every last one, this plan sucks. The uncle is killed (finally) and this seems to sadden Julian a bit. ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS GUY. YOU HAVE WORSE SHIT IN YOUR LIFE TO CRY ABOUT. HE DOES NOT DESRVE TO BE MOURNED!
Ok. So the plot is that Julian finds the reaming two drums of Trioxin in a secret room in the attic. You have lived in this house your whole life and never noticed this? Also, even though the number is scratched off, they still save “in case of emergency” and “property of the army” on them. Could it be this stuff is dangerous? You are uncle was involved in some chemical process bringing the dead back to life. Isn’t it possible this stuff is the cause of that? Will you stop to ask these questions? Nope. They think it could be anything but zombie juice.
They take the barrel to the campus chemistry and later the genetics lab (boy, this campus must have great endowments and benefactor). When they first examine it, they discover it is similar in composition to the drug Ecstasy. REALLY!? Really movie? I know your series has made some leaps in logic before but this? Come on! Do I really need to say it? Really? Fine…PLOT DEVICE!!!
Guess what they do? Yep…exactly what you they will: make drugs. Julian wants them not to and to call the police but Cody wants some money. Behind Julian’s back, they make pills of Trioxin and distribute them all over campus. Most people save them to use during the Halloween Rave. Yep. Like Day of the Dead, this movie has an added Halloween theme.
The comic relief is still being badass and following Julian around when a few people start to become zombies. This time, since the Trioxin is weaker and only being taken in small doses, it kills people slower. The more you take, the quicker you die.
Again, this is a world in which at least five known zombie outbreaks have occurred, and at least three of them went public for sure! Why is no one making the fucking connection? Esp. Julian and Cody who actually were intimately involved with the last outbreak!
When the zombies first start maurading around campus still no one thinks they are zombies. One is killed and the police as well and comic relief 1 and 2 know it was a zombie. However the rest of the fucking world is still tripping on their 80’s drugs. I am not kidding. Seriously look at this world in this movie: it is still very 80’s and it is 2000-fucking-4. Almost no one on this college campus seems to have a laptop or a cell phone. Really? In 2004? I know the movie was made in 2006 but it takes place in 2004.
This is my favorite part. A few zombies began to chase (and no, not like Dawn of the Dead 2004 chase, more like a slow jog) a professor. He yells for help to a car of students driving by who think it is a hoax and laugh at the zombies. AGAIN: THIS IS A WORLD WHERE IT IS ESTABLISHED FACT THAT ZOMBIES EXIST AND THE PUBLIC KNOW ABOU IT. Oh, ok, I get it—it is Halloween, they think they are just dressed up for Halloween, ok. THAT IS LIKE IF I DRESSED UP LIKE FUCKING HITLER! Zombies have killed thousands of people in the last 20 years! You do not dress up like a zombie when there are actual zombies going around killing people!
The movie ends with a rave full of zombies, some main characters die, and the comic relief live of course, and it has a predictable end similar to the one in the first film. The end. That’s it.
So how many stars should I give this? Well as far as a film goes, 0 out of 5, as far as a zombie movie goes, 1.5, but as a fun camp B-movie that you can make fun of and enjoy? 4 out of 5 stars.
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